StevenVinson.com

You know who’s a good negotiator? My 4 year old daughter. She is relentless.
Eat your dinner
I don’t want to
Eat your dinner
I don’t want to
Eat 4 bites
I don’t want to
If you don’t eat you are in time out
I don’t want to
Eat 3bites
I don’t want to
I’m going to take your toy if you don’t eat
I don’t want to…

You get the idea

Imagine her buying a car…
Well, ms. Vinson this Toyota carolla is &23k.
I want to pay $14k
It’s $23k
I want to pay $14k
Ok. 21k
I want to pay $14k
$20k
I want to pay $14k
Let me check with my manager
I want to pay $14k
Hold on
I want to pay $14k
I’ll be right back
I want to pay $14k
…
Ok. We can do $16k
I want to pay $14k
Jesus Christ
I want to pay $14k
Again, you get the idea

How am I supposed to write a joke? I think it’s something like…

setup
The Setup — Establishes the premise of the joke by providing the audience with the necessary background info. The setup should be as tight as possible (new open mic comics tend to ramble on with unnecessary details).
The Punchline — Wham! The laugh line. The setup led the audience in one direction, and you surprised them by suddenly going off in a different direction. That twist, that element of surprise, is a punchline’s chief ingredient.
Tags (optional) — Also known as toppers, tags are additional punchlines. Sometimes they build on the original, sometimes they twist and snap back and forth in surprising new directions. Think of a skiier slaloming back and forth, twist, twist, twist…
(found here in the interwebinet)

For example…
I love getting older. I know so much shit now that kids don’t know. Well at least I’ve decided to forget about shit I never figured out.
Like what’s the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You know that, right?
All the kids are going, ‘yeah, what is the difference, their the same thing right?’
All the geezers are going, ‘I don’t know. Who gives a shit?’
Or, like, a girl cow is a cow and the boy is a bull, right? Well, what is the generic word? A bovine? That doesn’t make any sense. Kids are going, ‘yeah” and they’re trying to look it up on their phones. Geezers are like, ‘Bovine. Cow, cattle, I don’t know. Who gives a shot?’
Really, it’s the best part of getting old. The ‘who gives a shit’ factor.

In case you hated that one, here’s on you’ll really hate…

I don’t know if it’s about getting old or just being a dude. But my favorite thing is just doing nothing. My wife asked what I want to do for my birthday and I said, ‘nothing.’ Of course she was like, ‘come on. What do you want to do.?’ I was like, ‘really. Not a goddamn thing. I just want to sit on my ass and fart.’
‘Really? Don’t you want to go out and…’
‘Look. If I die in a gas explosion while I’m doing nothing but picking my nose, you can tell people at my funeral that at least I died doing what I love!’

Not sure how funny those are but it’s all in the delivery, right? And I could make anything sound funny. Wanna bet me?

It is no secret that I am interested in performing standup comedy

The subtle tragedy in that statement is that “I am interested in performing”. Remember the old saying?

The chicken is interested in breakfast. The pig is committed.

Time for me to pig out on some comedy.

New statement.

It is no secret that I will perform standup comedy.

Q: How will I go from Hoping/Wishing/Wanting to Whatever it Takes?
A: Conscious Intention.

Here’s how it works:

Define the vision

I will perform standup comedy before the summer is over

Determine whether I believe it is possible

YES!!
My friend Tracey is performing in May and he has not done it before.
They have open mic nights at the clubs for anyone to perform who wants to.

Determine all the necessary prices

One evening a week away from family
Time to write some jokes and a routine
Risk not getting any laughs
Risk being super funny
Get over myself
Rule No. 6

Set the intention

I will be focused and courageous. I will be funny and bring joy and laughter to large numbers of people.

Commit, whatever it takes

Just now, while writing the intention, I had an epiphany. When I think about doing standup – or any performance for that matter – I always think about how it will make me feel. I think about the admiration and the applause, and the “coolness” factor of telling others what I do, and having them say flattering things to me.

What if instead of thinking about what I will have as a result of doing standup, I think about ways I will be while doing standup? Who will I be for myself and for others? What actions would those ways of being lead to? What experiences will I be creating for others and myself as a result? What material things will others and I receive as a result?

Alrighty. Seems I had to over think it a little to get to this decision:

I am and have been over thinking it.

Intention re-stated:

Be bold and be funny. Make people laugh. Entertain people.

There. Now to get going on being funny. Next post – a few jokes.

On this glorious Easter Sunday, Google chose to honor a proletariat hero while Bing chose to honor egg-decorating, which started at least 60,000 years ago.  I’m not outraged like many of my conservative brethren, but I think I’ll switch to Bing anyway.

In my search (that started on google) to discover whether the rumor was true (it is), I discovered that the current executive chairman of Google is known to be a liberal activist.  Turns out he is an Obama adviser and was once considered a likely potential cabinet member.  He is a climate change zealot and was a huge supporter of the Obama trillion dollar stimulus.  He was excited that it would send large amounts of cash to “green” companies and “green” initiatives.

So, it all made sense.  Google could have chosen no “doodle” on its home page.  It could also have chosen to explain why it chose Cesar Chavez over the incredible, edible egg.  Instead, it left the working-class Hispanic hero up on his birthday.  A great way of thumbing its nose at the great american unwashed in fly-over country.  Alright, maybe that’s an exaggeration.  But I choose to believe Google is using the money I help them make to advance their socialist agenda.  And, so I choose Bing since I have no idea what political agenda they support.

Besides, Bing returns better search results – according to those commercials that Microsoft put out.

The Easter Celebration was about to begin.  Princess Mulan was making final preparations and noticed that there were no poppies for the dinner tables.  She was about to head out to the garden to pick some when Prince Steven’s steward burst into the banquet hall.

“My Lady.  All of the poppies have been stolen!”

Princess Mulan was shocked.  “Oh dear! What shall I do?”

“There are poppies in the meadows beyond the palace grounds.”

“But the guests will be arriving any minute.  Prince Steven has not returned from the market, so I must go myself.  I haven’t a moment to lose!”

With that, Mulan ran to the stables and asked the groomer to bring her favorite horse, Cutie.  She hopped on and yelled, “Yah, Cutie!  To the poppy fields!”

Cutie ran as fast as could be to the Palace gate.  The guards blocked the way.  “You must not leave today your highness!  The wolves are nearby!”

“Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but we must have poppies for the celebration.  Out of my way.”

The guards stood aside.  Cutie and Mulan sped through the gate.  Just a few minutes later, they saw an old woman walking on the road.

“Princess Mulan!  Please help me.  The wolves…”

Mulan climbed off of Cutie to help.  Suddenly, the old woman threw off her shawl and – she wasn’t an old woman at all, but a wolf!

“Ha!  What a prize!  Now I will eat you!” With that, the wolf pounced on Princess Mulan.  Cutie neighed and stomped, but the wolf was too fast.  He was carrying Mulan back to his den faster than Cutie could gallop.

Mulan kicked and screamed, “Help! Help!”  But it was no use.  The wolf arrived at his den with the princess in tow.

As she looked around, Mulan couldn’t believe her eyes.  The wolf’s den was full of poppies!  Her poppies!  “You brute!  You stole my poppies!”

“And now I am going to eat you!”

“No you’re not!”  Prince Steven was at the door of the den, sword in hand.  With a pounce and a thrust of his sword, Prince Steven killed the wolf.

“Oh, Steven!  You saved me!”

Prince Steven explained that he was returning from the market when he heard Cutie neighing.  As he was looking for Cutie he found the wolf’s den and heard Mulan crying for help.

They gathered up all of the poppies, found Cutie, and raced back to the palace together. They arrived just in time to meet the first guests.

The Easter Celebration was saved!  Everyone enjoyed their roasted rabbit and especially loved the beautiful poppies on all the tables.

This is the kind of story I sometimes make up on the spot to tell the kids.  For those of you playing at home, you ask for several suggestions in the form of favorite princess name, favorite flower, favorite holiday or time of year.  Then you just think of  a character and something they need (the McGuffin).  Throw in two or three obstacles, maybe a time element, and there you go.  your kid thinks you’re a genius.

And that’s a little something I like to call 22 of 90…