Out of the blue today at lunch I announced my love of the word pants.  The word just sounds funny, doesn’t it?  Then it happened. Heather said I should write a Book of Pants Jokes.  I like that book title.  No. I love that book title.  Book of Pants Jokes.  So, here ya go.  10 jokes about pants:

1. What would Archie Bunker say about the way kids wear their pants these days?  “Hey Edith, I saw a kid today whose pants were so low on his butt,  he had to take a down escalator just to reach in his pocket for change.”
2. Speaking of Archie Bunker, was he even wearing pants during All in the Family?  I can’t tell.  Now there’s a view that would make the Hit Parade!
3. When I was a kid my whole sense of self worth was wrapped up in pants.  Feeling fat today? Sears Husky.  Momma got a coupon? Levis.  But the best and the worst was the denim patch.  All at once the denim patch advertised the ruggedness of the boy and the poorness of the family. “Aw man, Steve.  You must’ve took a spill during that kickball game!” (proud Steve) “Nice patch, though. What’s a matter?  Your folks can’t afford new pants?”
4. Pants.  The great equalizer.  In the bible days they had God’s wrath to humble the greatest kings and the lowliest peasants.  Now we have pants.  “Even George Bush puts his pants on one leg at a time”  “Hillary wears the pants in that family.”  “Obama’s gonna crap his pants when he sees the jobs report.” “If only Bill had kept it in his pants.”
5. Casual day.  Business casual day.  Aren’t they really just telling you what kind of pants to wear?
6. Remember that time in the 80’s when it was cool to wear 3 or 4 shirts?  Why wasn’t it ever cool to wear 3 or 4 pants?  And why did they send me home?  I could have taken off a pair of sweat pants or two.
7. Pant suits.  Why are they only for women?  Aren’t men’s suits pant suits, too?  And what are suit separates?  Isn’t that just pants that match the jacket, only it’s harder to tell because they are on separate hangers at the store?
8. When are Capri pants so short they become long shorts?  Next casual day, I’m going to wear super long shorts with a somewhat nice looking pair of flip flops.  If the shorts are not made of denim, would I get busted for dressing business casual on casual day?
9. Speaking of confusing lengths, I can’t tell if some dudes are wearing long shorts or short longs.  If I can’t see skin between your cuff and your sock, they are no longer shorts.
10. What would you rather not see?  Fat guy with no shirt or super fat girl with no pants? If one of them was standing on their head, would you be able to tell the difference?

Alright.  Enough about pants already.  I’m not sure how funny those were, but I’m sure at least one or two could make it into a future standup routine…